Random Bits 20
by Nashiil
Summary: UPDATED! Yuna and her guardians are off to the theatre in Luca to see a movie, where they encounter long lines, outrageous ticket prices, and all the little annoyances that go along with theatres.
1. Chapter 1

Here is the next installment in the Random Bits Series! I have been going to the movies a lot lately, so naturally it inspired this fic. Enjoy.

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Random Bits 20 - Chapter 1

**:Setting -** Yuna and company have joined the throng storming the Luca Sphere Theater for the premier of a popular movie**.:**

**:Location -** Luca Sphere Theater **-** After five counts of pushing, ten counts of shoving, and one count of Bulldozing, the Guardians and their Summoner have arrived at their destination**.:**

There was a moderately sized line for the ticket counter when Yuna and her loyal Guardians arrived at the entrance to the Sphere Theater.

"I can't wait to see the movie. I heard from Brother that it's fantabulasitc!" Rikku chirped excitedly, adding yet another new word to the Al Bhed Teenager's Big Book of Slang.

"Look at that line," Tidus groaned like a loose floor board as they stepped through the doors.

"I told you we shouldn't have stopped at the Rin Inn on the way over."

"It's not a 'Rin Inn!" Auron snapped.

"It's a Travel Agency!" He hated the little Jecht Spawn's habit of referring to the Travel Agencies as 'Rin Inns'. It was almost as annoying as the boy's Lucky Dance.

"Whatever," Tidus said in a huff. He was going to just let the subject drop, but his biological clock decided it was time to go through the Rebellious Phase, so his mouth just seemed to open of its own volition.

"I can call it a Rin Inn if I want to. It's an Inn, and it's run by Rin, so it's a Rin Inn!" he replied petulantly.

The older Guardian stormed up to the blond until there was barely an inch of space between them and said,

"It's a Travel Agency, and if you don't stop referring to it in that manner, I'll…." the threat ran out of steam for a moment while the man desperately searched the dusty areas of his brain for a manual, or file, or _something _about dealing with teenage rebellion. He eventually found a heavy tome, dusted the cobwebs off, and flipped through the ragged pages. There it was. Step One :Issuing a verbal warning. Below it was a short column of helpful examples. That one looked good and threatening.

"I'll fix your little red wagon!" Auron intoned in a firm, quiet voice, just like the book instructed.

There was a moment of stunned silence before Tidus snorted in defiant amusement.

"Are you going to clean my clock, too?"

Thrown off balance by the unexpected response, Auron desperately referred back to the book. It wasn't much help, especially since, according to the publishing date, it was older than Methusela. Fortunately, the parents in Methusela's time took a more hands on approach to dealing with naughtiness. Auron quickly read Step Two. Now that was more like it!

Tidus could not believe that the Legenday Guardian could use such a lame line with a straight face. What was he, five years old? No self-respecting five-year old would have taken that threat seriously. Tidus out right laughed

"I've got some lights you can put out, and a block you can knock off-!" the bravado ended in a squeak as Auron raised the Hand of Justice in a very Threatening way and said

"It's a Travel Agency. Is that clear?"

Tidus eyed the Hand of Justice as it hovered over him like a storm cloud.

"Fine." he mumbled, "But I'm gonna do the Lucky Dance so we can get in fast-!"

"You aren't doing that dance!" Auron replied quickly.

"Oh, come on! There's a ton of people here. It's gonna take forever!" the boy replied defiantly.

"You don't have to watch me do the dance, you know!" The Legendary Guardian sniffed derisively,

"No, but you are in my presence. And people judge you by the company you keep. I'm not going to be labeled as an idiot by association!"

Tidus was about to make a witty retort, but Auron gave his such a dark look that his inner child wet its pants and put itself in Time-Out.

Yuna, the kind soul that she was, patted Tidus' arm, saying,

"It's not so bad. Most of them are from the Professional Sitters and Queuers League." Tidus gave a grunt of agreement. As has been mentioned before, Spira had special groups of people who were paid to literally sit, stand or walk around all day in every temple, city, and village. They had recently added the Chocobo Riders, Joggers, Trainees and, after much debate, Drinkers, to their list of professions.

Tidus did his best to keep himself entertained during the long wait. This was a challenge since things like hand held video games didn't exist in Spira. To pass the time, Tidus started out with the classic song parodies.

Ah, the song parody! Back in the Stone Age, before Gameboys, PSPs, in-car DVD players, and various MP3 players, children had to entertain themselves on the long bus rides home, in lines, or during car trips. Thus the myriad of humorously rude songs, and jokes were born. Hundreds of children on busses would sing "Joy to the World the Teacher's Dead", "Deck the Halls with Gasoline", "On Top of Old Smokey(All Covered In Blood)" and various renditions of the "Diarrhea" songs. (If anyone would like the lyrics, I will gladly share!)

There were also the wonderfully innocent sounding word or phrase that, when spoken while holding the tongue, turned into dirty words and phrases. Feel free to play along with the following: At the beginner's lever is the word "apple" (or "dumb apple" if you've played FF7 Crisis Core), and for the advanced tongue holder we have the phrase "I was born on a pirate ship". Sadly, these jokes and songs have fallen into obscurity due to technology, and parents with no sense of humor.

Armed with these tools, Tidus kept himself, and Wakka entertained for quite a while, until the Hand of Justice intervened. That left Tidus with I Spy, which didn't go over well since the object the Spy spied, often walked off before the Spyer could spy it. And Stone-Parchment-Dagger ended with Wakka and the former star player of the Zanarkand Abes not speaking to each other after Wakka accused Tidus of cheating. There had been some good-old-fashioned name-calling, which is much better than modern name-calling because it was much more creative.

Lulu and Auron had actually placed bets on who was going to win. Lulu was betting heavily on Wakka, who had invented half the insults known to the children of Besaid Village. He had become a legend after coming up with 'Fart Breath', and 'Toilet Head'. Auron on the other hand, bet on Tidus, who came from a whole other world with a mysterious slang language that was bound to yield some truly creative insults. To Yuna's distress, they had just stood by in silent anticipation as the war started. Wakka had started off with 'Stoopid Head', for which the pronunciation was key, and Tidus had countered with 'Big Fat Meanie', which was always a good, stinging retort since it worked on boys and girls alike.

Tidus got the upper hand with 'Butt Face', but was knocked down a peg when Wakka took things up a level with 'Your mother wears army boots!'. (which is a horrible insult for any child to know, if you actually know what it implies…) Though momentarily stunned, Tidus recovered magnificently and spat the ultimate fighting words : 'I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you'. This simple phrase, spoken repeatedly (in response to any further insults) in a sing song tune can drive an enemy into a spitting rage. And when coupled with the Sticking of the Tongue, or Mocking Laughter, can reduce the opponent to frustrated tears.

In the ringing silence that followed, Lulu grudgingly handed Auron his 10Gil.

The line crawled along at a Neslug's pace, never quite standing still, yet never actually making any progress. Auron sighed as the minutes ticked by. Normally, he didn't mark the passage of time. When you were Unsent, you realized that your social calendar has suddenly become a blank sheet of paper with limitless possibilities. He literally had all the time in the world, so what was a few insignificant hours spent standing in line? It wasn't like he had anything else more pressing to do.

Not even Jecht got bored waiting in line. He was one of nature's natural born loafers (the kind that lounge lazily and idly, not the kind made of leather and found on feet). The man was a champion at slouching, slumping, and reclining in lines of any length. So what if he had to meet Yu Yevon for tea at two o' clock? Never do today what you can leave for tomorrow, right? Sometimes, Jecht would stand in line just for something to do. He had been approached by the Professional Sitters on several occasions and offered a one of Spira's easiest job opportunities. Jecht had declined on the basis that it was classified as work.

Auron was more worried about not finding good seats. Throughout the Universe, movie goers have struggled to get the best seats in the theatre. It is generally agreed that the seats right in the middle are the absolute best. From here, the lucky patrons can experience the full effect of surround sound. A close second are the seats in the back, which, while not receiving the full theatre experience, have an unrivaled view of the screen. People line up sometimes _hours_ before the show just to make sure they don't end up Down Front. This section of the seating is the most dreaded in the whole theatre. Mere feet from the screen, the unlucky have to tip their head back at a 90 degree angle just to see. The worst part is that the picture isn't even clear, and the head must be turned to follow the out of focus action. About the only people who don't find these seats undesirable are kids, who are used to it on account of sitting so close to the t.v. at home anyway.

Auron ran his cycloptic gaze over his group. The signs of impatience were beginning to show. Two of the guys weren't speaking to each other, and the girls were practically bouncing in place, except for Lulu, for whom such activity was much to risky. Had the crimson eyed woman decided to jump up and down, or even jig in place, there was the real possibility that the neckline of her dress would have failed quite disastrously.

It was fifteen minutes until the start of 'FarplaneBoy 2: The Glass Militia', and they were nowhere near the ticket counter. The undead Warrior Monk would sooner kiss a Behmoth's rump than end up Down Front. He motioned to Kimahri and when the feline humanoid leaned down, began whispering in his fluffy ear.

Lulu knew something was up when she saw the two older 'Y's (X's for girls, Y's for guys. If you don't remember, it's genetics : male-XY, female-XX) conversing in hushed tones. Something was going to happen, and it was about time. This line was ridiculous! For the passed few minutes, Lulu had been severely tempted to set everyone ablaze and slip into the theatre during the ensuing panic. She wouldn't actually hurt anyone, just singe them a little. Auron caught her eye and gave her a nod. The signal traveled through the Guardians, skipping Yuna, who wouldn't have wanted to participate in anything sneaky.

The Legendary Guardian turned to Yuna and said,

"I'm going to take everyone to the concession stand while you and Kimahri get the tickets. That should speed things up a bit." He motioned for the other Guardians to follow him and headed for the concession stand.

Kimahri casually moved into position behind Yuna and suddenly scooped the surprised Summoner up. Bodies flew left and right as the Ronso marched up the line like a hairy juggernaut. Cries of surprise marked his progress as he plowed his way to the head of the line. A yellow-maned Ronso near the front offered a bit of resistance. He spun around to tell the jerk who shoved him to push off, but immediately recognized High Summoner Yuna from her statue on Mt. Gagazette, even though she didn't have her grand horn, and stepped meekly aside.

Kimahri dropped 35 Gil on the counter, held Yuna out at arm's length in front of the stunned receptionist and growled in a voice that spoke directly to the woman's inner prey animal,

"Seven tickets for Summoner Yuna." Yuna waved apologetically.

"I'm sorry,…Sir, but you don't have enough Gil!" the lady behind the counter quavered, while the small, furry animal part of her soul looked for a place to hide.

Kimahri followed the finger the woman tremulously pointed to the ticket prices with. It was a brightly colored signboard someone had decorated with various designs in the theme of Movie Theatre. The happy little doodles did nothing to soften the blow of the ticket prices (which were written in red, for the hard of seeing.) The tickets were 10 Gil apiece, according to the sign.

The receptionist suddenly found herself eyeball to nostril with an unhappy predator.

"Seven tickets; matinee price-!" Kimahri began and was cut off by Yuna. The fair haired girl put a hand on her Guardian's arm and said in a disappointed tremor that drove icicles into his soul,

"That's okay, Kimahri. We can come back another day."

Yes, what the Summoner said was true, but Kimahri would rather have been pink(which had happened before) than see his charge unhappy. He looked down at Yuna and patted her on the top of her head with one of his massive paws, then said to the woman in a voice with teeth in it,

"_High Summoner_ Yuna wants seven tickets to 'FarplaneBoy 2' Half price." The woman gulped and said,

"Let me see what I can do…"

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Poor Yuna! Everyone seems to use her status to their advantage.

I apologize for Tidus being out of character. I'm trying to work on making him less of an idiot, because he really wasn't in the game.


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the final chapter of RB 20! I'm going to apologize for the ending in advance, as it may be a mite gross.

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Random Bits 20 - Chapter 2

:Setting - Yuna and company have joined the throng storming the Luca Sphere Theater for the premier of a popular movie.:

:Location - Luca Sphere Theater - Lobby - While Kimahri terrified the staff, Auron and the remaining Guardians face the tough job of choosing snacks.:

The troupe surveyed the display. There was all the usual cinema fare, like Sour Gummy Ronsos (sour on the outside, but sweet on the inside), Chocolate-covered Ochu Seeds, Maester Mints, Nachos, Sun Sigil Bars, Popped Grains, and Abyss Worm Sausages on a stick. Then, thanks to Marp expanding his food business, more unusual offerings. These new food oddities included deep fried Dive Beak toes, a variety of crispy fried and candy coated insects and arachnids, spicy Basilisk Scale chips, and the ultimate snack, Shoopuf knuckles.

There was a slight delay when it was Rikku's turn to order. She eventually walked away with two boxes of Sour Gummy Ronsos, the Ultima sized nachos, the Behemoth sized Popped Grains (with extra butter), a Sin sized carbonated beverage, and a Sun Sigil Bar. Lulu gave her a shocked look. "What! It's not that much. Wakka got more than I did!" she said indignantly, while pointing to the red haired man juggling three of the yard long Abyss Worm sausages, and pretty much one or two of everything else from the menu.

The captain ate like a Chocobo Eater, but like Tidus, never seemed to gain a pound. It wasn't because he had the overactive metabolism of youth like Tidus did , it was because whatever he ate went straight to his hair.

"It's not all for me!" Rikku sniffed,

"I'm gonna share my popped grains with Yunie."

"Well, what if Yuna doesn't want popped grains?" Tidus asked as Rikku struggled to carry her stash.

"She loves popped grains." Rikku replied, struggling with the popped grains bucket.

"How do you know what she likes?"

"I'm her cousin, duh!"

"So, I'm her boyfriend, I know her like the back of my hand." Tidus said, not to be out done.

"Oh, yeah? Well, then what color are her eyes?"

"Hah, that's easy! One's blue, and one's green!"

"Yeah, but which one?"

"…uh…"

Tidus was saved when Kimahri and Yuna returned with seven free season passes. They paused to let the Ronso visit the concession stand before entering the theatre proper. Wakka offered to help Kimahri carry his roasted Shoopuff knuckle, but decided to just mind his own business after being growled at.

As Auron had feared, all the good seats were taken. There were still plenty of seats left, but unfortunately, they were spread out between patrons. It was a common phenomenon found anywhere with mass seating. It's called the We're Together phenomenon. Say a group of five people go to the movies. They will, of course sit together. Enter a second group of, say, three. This new group, operating under some strange fear of being mistaken as belonging to the other group(or possibly catching cooties), will leave a seat or two between them and the first group. Everyone likes their personal space, but when you don't want to end up two feet from a massive screen, it can be incredibly annoying.

The red robed Guardian muttered an expletive into his collar. He thought for a moment as he let his eye sweep the room. After a quick mental calculation, he determined that if the patrons in the second row from the middle would shift to the right, there would be just enough seats. Never one to use force(at first, anyway) the distinguished warrior tapped a man on the shoulder and said,

"Excuse me, but do you and your group mind moving down a seat?"

The man, not wanting to cross the invisible line between My Group and Theirs, pretended like he hadn't heard. Auron grunted and muttered,

"I thought not." then said,

"Kimahri, these people don't want to make room for a _Summoner, _who saved the world from Sin, if I might add, and therefore is deserving of their eternal gratitude and respect."

The Ronso handed his Shoopuff knuckle to Tidus, who staggered under its greasy weight, and stomped over to the row of seats.

It was kind of cruel, Auron reflected as the monolith of fur descended on the unfortunate row, but it was better than letting Lulu handle it. It would have been like setting peasants armed with cardboard swords against a seven foot tall angry woman armed with a list of grievances and a rocket launcher.

Kimahri grabbed the seat and heaved, pulling up half the row, and with a twist, flicked the occupants out into the aisle.

"Thank you," Auron said as the seats were slammed back into place,

"Your cooperation is appreciated. This way, Yuna."

"I'm so sorry!" Yuna whispered to the huddled mass of humanity as she passed.

"They mean well…"

Over the years, Yuna had come to accept the fact that her Guardians would go to any length, depth, or height to make her happy. And if that meant, inconveniencing, Provoking, Threatening, or maiming someone, so be it. During these instances, things like The Voice of Reason, and Common Courtesy were bound, gagged, and stuffed in the trunk.

The movie began with the usual outdated, and badly done animation welcoming the customers to the Theater. It contained instructions like 'Please turn off all handheld communication devices', 'Please keep your feet off the seats', 'Please place all trash in the proper receptacle', 'Visit the concession stand', and 'Ask about advanced tickets. They make great gifts!'

"Pfft! 'Keep your feet off the seats'." Tidus snorted.

"What are they going to do?" he whispered as he began moving his legs in preparation to putting them on the back of the seat in front of him. Several rows down, a like-minded patron had just settled his feet comfortably on the back of the seat in front of him, when a large, heavily muscled man charged out of the shadows and brought a length of hard rubber down across the offender's shins. There was a sound like a Sand Worm being slapped with a wet towel, which was followed swiftly by a pained squeal of an uncomfortable decibel. Tidus swiftly planted his feet firmly on the carpet.

Half-way through the movie Auron realized that sitting beside Tidus and Wakka had been a devastating error in judgment. Wakka was a Gasper, making overly dramatic noises at every plot twist, joke, or action scene. He was that one person in the whole theater who forgets they aren't the only one there, and loudly gasps, laughs, screams, or cheers during the movie (some of you may know, or sadly, be related to a Gasper). And as if this wasn't bad enough, Tidus was a Talker.

Talkers are similar to Gaspers, with the added irrepressible urge to whisper lame or embarrassing comments, ask really stupid questions no one knows the answers to on account of having not seen the movie yet, and making lame jokes. Aside from being irritating, these people are not as bad as Crying Children, Children Running Loose, or Distractors.

The Talking reached a level beyond annoying, and became downright embarrassing. The moment came when the child in the seat in front of Tidus turned around to look at the young Guardian. His eyes turned to Auron and the boy asked in a curious whisper,

"Hey Mister, what's wrong with that man?" As a firm believer in ensuring that the next generation of people grew up to be responsible and respectful, Auron replied ,

"He didn't eat his vegetables, listen to his mother, say his prayers or use his manners, so Sin came and made him…stupid."

The boy's eyes became disks of worry.

"Is it catching?"

"Yes," Auron replied solemnly,

"So turn around and don't look at him so you won't catch it too!"

The boy turned back around, only to look back over his shoulder as Wakka gasped at flashy explosion on screen. He gave Auron a questioning look.

"His mother dropped him on his head." Auron explained.

Properly terrified, the kid faced forward.

Tidus gave Auron a scowl of disapproval.

"Shhhhh!" he hissed.

"People are trying to watch the movie!" Unable to employ any type of retaliation that would make undue noise, Auron instead gave Tidus the Warrior Monk gesture of Impolite Dismissal. It had a wonderful silencing effect.

Lulu, meanwhile, was dealing with a Distractor. These people usually ignore the 'turn off all handheld communicators' rule. There is nothing more distracting than a bright flash of light from a phone screen in a dark theater, and it more distracting when it happens repeatedly. The offenders seem to believe that the world will end if a single text message goes unanswered. The silly thing is, the messages usually run along the lines of 'What r u doing?', 'I'm at the movies' , 'What r u watching?', etc. Now if the message was something important like 'Grandpa hit by car, come home now!' that would be a different story. Besides, if the device is off, a message along the lines of 'Call me' _can_ be left.

A man a few rows down (and safely out of the Mage's reach) was carrying on a typed conversation via a handheld communicator. His fingers tapped frantically for a moment, stopped, the communicator beeped, he read what was on screen, then began tapping again. The process then repeated, and repeated, and repeated.

"Look at that!" Lulu hissed irately to Rikku.

"What is so important that it can't wait until after the movie? That thing has been going off every five minutes! He's supposed to have it turned off!"

"Don't worry about it," Rikku replied around a mouthful of popped grains as she covertly reached into her own pocket to turn off her communicator.

"I'm sure he'll put it down soon." Lulu gave the back of the man's head a glare so intense, it actually caused a slight burning sensation in his scalp. He was just going to comment on the sensation to his companion, when his communicator screen lit up and got on Lulu's last nerve.

As a man who faced danger daily (and lived with one of the most dangerous creatures in Spira) , Wakka's senses had been honed to a razor's edge. He sensed more than saw Lulu move, while his eyes immediately picked out the target of her sure to be devastating wrath. His reflexes took over and his muscular arm hurled his blitz ball with impressive speed and accuracy.

The inflated globe smacked into the back of the man's head, eliciting a yelp of pain. Immediately the hall was filled the sound of a hundred tires randomly deflating as the people hissed for silence.

The man turned and glared at Wakka. The red headed Guardian gave him an apologetic shrug, and said,

"Better me than her, brudda." He then did what is known as the Head Twitch. The Head Twitch is often used to indicate a person, object, or direction without doing anything so rude as actually pointing. It comes in quite handy when your hands are full, or you want to covertly draw the attention of a companion to 'that weirdo over there'. It can also be used in conjunction with the Eyebrow Raise, and the Eye Flicker for emphasis.

The man studied the gothic woman indicated by the Head Twitch, and after some consideration, decided that a sore scalp was better than having no head for a scalp to be attached to. Being the bright man that he was, the patron put one and one together and meekly turned his personal communicator off.

Kimahri's eyes were glued to the screen as FarplaneBoy smashed his way through the glass warriors on his way to rescue a kitten. The director had really gone all out for the sequel. He'd even gotten Te-Ge Ronso, Kimahri's hero, to play FarplaneBoy again. With his mane shorn off, and his fur dyed 'Farplane Green', the ragged eared Ronso made an impressive FarplaneBoy

The explosions on screen boomed through the theatre, shattering the Glass Militia on screen, and shaking the overfull bladders of all the patrons who had unwisely gotten the Sin sized drink. Though in significant discomfort, no one wanted to risk missing any part of the movie to make a quick restroom run. A few of the more creative (or desperate) movie goers recycled their empty cups. Later, they would hide them under the seats where the unfortunate cleaning staff would find them. It would be a little like an Easter Egg Hunt, except no one would want to open theses eggs.

Kimahri watched in rapt attention, happily gnawing on his Shoopuff knuckle while Tidus reused his cup. Auron gaped in slack-jawed disbelief while the boy used an innocent beverage cup for something it was never meant for. He wasn't the only one who noticed either. Lulu had leaned across Kimahri to ask Auron if he would hold her drink while she visited the Ladie's Room, and was mentally blown away by what she saw. She recovered quickly, however and gave Tidus a silent, yet shocking lecture.

Lulu cast a small bolt of Thunder into Tidus's impromptu privy, and let the natural conductivity of liquids do the rest. The boy squeaked and curled up in his seat to the symphony of 'Shhhhh's!' that erupted.

"Serves you right!" Auron hissed mercilessly.

Tidus spent the remainder of the movie trying to regain enough motor function just to sit up straight.

Kimahri was a firm believer in getting your Gil's worth, and sat through the ending credits while everyone else filed out. By this time, Tidus was able to walk out at a respectable, if not doubled over, limp.

"Are you alright?" Rikku asked as Yuna helped the boy hobble out.

"Sure, I, uh…just…my butt's asleep." Tidus replied opting to throw away dignity over telling the truth. Besides, girls just didn't understand man pain.

"I'll just go sit down outside while we wait for Kimahri."

The credits (comprised of actors' names, companies, production information, and mysterious jobs no one knows the exact definitions of) rolled by as Kimhari licked the last of the meat of his snack. It had been an outstanding movie. The food was good too, but he sure was thirsty now.

There was an incredible amount of salt lurking in movie theater fare. It was cleverly hidden in the various meats, cheese sauces, popped grain flavoring powders, butter, and several gummy candies. One must be careful when purchasing such snacks, since doing so often leads to the consumption of mass quantities of soft drinks, and ultimately leads to missing precious minutes of the movie while an urgent trip to the restrooms is made.

Kimahri now regretted not getting a drink. In the long run, he didn't miss one second of the movie, but now his tongue felt like it had pasted itself to the roof of his mouth. And the good, greasy Shoopuff knuckle had left his mouth feeling like it was coated in wax. Yes, a drink would be just the thing. The gods of Cruel Humor had been bored of late, and decided that a good joke was long overdue. It was time to set their plan in motion.

The light from the flickering screen fell between two seats in a bright ray, illuminating a pale object on the floor. Kimahri looked around in bewilderment. For just a second, he could have sworn he'd heard angels singing. Looking down, the Ronso spotted a Sin sized drink cup on the floor one seat over. Tidus must not have finished it all, and there was no sense in letting a good drink go to waste. Kimahri grabbed the cup, and took a big gulp.

End.

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um....yeah. Not too bad, if you don't think about it too much.


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